Till I See You Again

...my computer screen saver just put on a picture of my dog. He died after I had graduated and I remember thinking that he’d lived 16 to 18 years, I forget for sure now. But it is very easy to figure that I’d had him for most of my life up to that date. I remember the last time I saw him. It was winter and he was dying. His front paw had gone numb and was of no use. He gnawed on it. I lay in the snow beside him and talked to him, knowing that he would not likely be there the next time I came home. Pastor Bill once talked about his and Michelle’s cat and about heavenly rewards. Ever since then, when I see a picture of my dog I wonder and hope.

I don’t believe that animals have souls. They were created by God and He considered them good but He did not make them in His image as we are. We are to take care of them, use them for various reasons (yes, including food), and always we should respect them. However, they are not the equals of humans. Still, they are a wonderful gift from a creator who loves us and our hearts can open up to animals much the same way they do to humans. I miss my dog. I sometimes dream about him still and every time I do, I look at him in my dream and I know he’s gone.

So I think about heavenly rewards. Most people when they think about that probably are thinking of stature or heavenly duties. I do too but I can’t help wonder about more personal rewards. I, frankly, am quite content knowing that I just get to go. I don’t expect much in the reward category cause lets face it, I know me. The whole not burning for eternity is a miracle in itself. One I’m very grateful for. But if I could put in for a personal reward, something my loving God has waiting just for me, it would be three animals: two of my dogs and one of my cats. Now I joke that God has given me a strong liking for white tigers, so maybe I get one of those too, but if I had to choose, those three animals of my youth would win hands down.

I don’t know if it works that way but I do know that if God says so it can. I know that when that day comes I will see my savior first of all. No greater gift is there. I long to have Him look into my eyes and say my name. God’s only Son, my savior, speaking my name. Wow. Then there will be family. My dad. I miss my dad. There will be saints through the ages and biblical characters I can’t wait to meet. I will not be surprised but I will be excited if there comes a time that I get one more gift and there are the animals that God entrusted to me on earth to have for eternity. If that’s not an option, that’s okay. I’m just sayin, wouldn’t that just be cool…

So this whole job hunt thing….

My mom has been telling me for the last year and a half or so to look for a new job. I knew she was right but I just didn’t feel as though I could abandon ship. I believed God had a hand on my job and when it was time to go I would know it. Its funny that the same day I planned to post my resume on the Internet, I later received a call that we were done. I had gone down with the ship and I still didn’t bail. I knew I wasn’t going to be paid for the last 25 days I worked and I still worked 15 more hours without pay because I felt that Steve was my responsibility. If I didn’t help him…who would? When I was done I swam to shore and went to look for a new ship.
I was a bit too optimistic for my own good. I got into Great American before I had graduated college. It was my first real job and I was there for nine years. So I only ever really job hunted once in my life, nine years ago. I got two interviews almost right off the bat. One had already filled but they liked me. The other did a follow up interview then sent me the nice little letter about how great I would be, just not for them. I got a kick out of that interview. It was almost verbatim what I would interview at my store and the letter was very similar too. I even chuckled a bit during the interview (phone interview) because of the questions. It’s odd having been on the other side for almost six years. I think that’s right. It seams I sat in on interviews when I was an assistant but I don’t remember for sure.
So two strikes right up front and then nothing………. The one interviewer who liked me made me get on unemployment. I had been hesitant about it for two reasons. I didn’t understand how it worked. There was a stigma to it. You hear a lot about people abusing the system and I didn’t want to be one of them, especially if I could get a job right away. Her words, “Listen to a complete stranger, you go get on unemployment now so you have some freedom to get the job you want. It‘s already been paid for and this is exactly what it is for” So I looked on the Internet and I was able to do it without even talking to a single person. (If I had to go in and apply I was going to make my mommy or sister come with me) So that was easy and it does take off some of the burden. So the waiting game begins. I have rules to follow for unemployment, which are easy. So I apply and wait.
It’s a new experience in many ways but the most profound is the new relationship marker between me and God. I have never been in the situation where I have totally had to rely on Him for the outcome. Now have I totally relied on Him for outcomes before? Yes, many. I’ve relied on God as long as I can remember but I cannot remember a time when it was quite this way dealing with just my life. Not even my first job hunt because my parents were backing my money supply at the time. I’m 30 years old and it’s the first time I’ve been on my own in life and had to completely rely on God to help me out of this one. How amazingly blessed am I? There’s so many people out there who never got to leave adolescence or even childhood before their lives were so rocked that they felt this way or much much worse. Course at a young age you wouldn’t understand, sometimes at a mature age you can’t either but I get the privilege this time to know why.
The bible study we did and are starting over later this month was prep work. I stand with a wry grin watching what is going on to me, glance up to the sky and with a shake of my head think, “so it’s refining time is it? Yeah well probably about time.” I’ve had split moments of panic and when I do, I ask one question, “Do I really believe that God has my back on this?” Yes. But that doesn’t mean I can’t screw it up. “Okay, then do you really believe God can use the screw ups?” Yes….fine…fine…you win. And the fear goes away. I’ve thought, nobody wants me... as app after app went unanswered and the small voice said, “or is it that God just doesn’t want you there?” I suppose.
I did get a kick out of a revelation this morning. You have to be careful how you pray. That interview I did that she liked me, they called a few weeks later (2 days ago) and asked me to come in. I didn’t know if it was an offer or a second interview. It was both. I was offered the job but…..it’s just for seasonal work, no guaranteed hours. I didn’t let it get me down too much. It’s another thing to put on the resume and a foot in the door or perhaps just something for me to do while I wait for the right job to open up. I was okay with that. Then this morning I figured out the why. I have been praying that God would help me find a job that I’ll like. Liking the job is more important to me than the money. I need to be able to support myself yes, but I have to at least like my job a little. So how do you know if you like a job? Try it out. This is not a try out to see if they like me enough to keep me down the road, this is my time to see if I like them. It may not be the job for me but I need to know. I need to know if I’ll like the type or work or not before I move on to another kind. So it could still be any of the things I thought before but more than that it’s the answer to my prayer to find out if I’ll like it.
I’m rather grateful for this time. I’ve been able to help out on my grandma’s farm so they could be on schedule to get their pivot. I’ve been able to help around my mom’s and take my grandma to the doctor when no one else knew if they could or not. It’s been nice to be able to help out. The being out of job thing is frightening and I tell God so. It's nice to be in a dialog again. I lost a lot of myself in the last year of so of dad’s cancer. Maybe we’re just on the journey now to find out who it is I need to start becoming again. I’m okay with that.

Excerpts

Last night while I was lying in bed not sleeping, somehow the subject of excerpts came to my mind. I started to wonder what would be a good excerpt for my book. Writing stories has always been one of my passions but since graduating college I don't do it often. I've written one story - the paragraph I posted earlier - and one "book" since graduating. I've also fine tuned two stories that I wrote prior. I know that the excerpt needs to be catchy, something to make you want to read more. That's hard to gage since I only really have one person that reads anything I write. Charlotte, my number one fan for ten or more years. She long since has reassured me that I am not the only person in the world that likes what I write. Of course that could be due to the fact that we've been friends longer than I actually have memory of it (I don't remember my childhood as well as I'd like) I've been going through my book and I haven't finished it but I kind of like this part. So I'll post it alone and see how it looks.


Kadey forced Dixon to keep eye contact with her. He’d already tried to bite Koh once and she’d slapped away his mouth. Now he stared at her with ire in his eyes. He was one mad pony. Koh finished off the last shoe and stepped away. “That should do it.” He gathered his things and left to finish out his day.
“I’m not sure you deserve this but it was part of the deal.” She pulled a sugar cube out and offered it to Dixon.
Dixon looked at the sugar cube then indignantly turned his back on her and walked away.
“You are such a baby.” She would have laughed but it would have made him all the angrier. Grinning she turned to her father. A movement behind him drew her attention and she froze. A myriad of emotions crossed Kadey’s face. Dan was confused at the sudden parade. He’d seen shock, followed quickly by excitement, then so many different ones so quickly he couldn’t decipher them. Now she stood looking almost haunted. She looked unsure and not frightened but anxious. What was going on? He turned around to see what she was looking at. His eyes rested on a sight he hadn’t expected.
A woman stood not far behind him. She was casually dressed, long curly brown hair. She looked to be in her mid thirties. She had a look on her face that struck him as familiar. He’d seen it before. He’d caused it before. As a boy he’d lost track of time and spent three and a half hours too long at the pool hall with his friends. He’d just looked at the clock and headed for the door in a hurry when he spotted her, his mom standing in the doorway looking at him just like that. It was the mom look and it was strong. He looked at Kadey. That’s what his face must have looked like that day. He didn’t know who this woman was but she was one mad mamma. He inadvertently took a step back out of the line of fire.
She began walking towards Kadey, her demeanor suggesting Kadey should meet her. Kadey matched her steps but no more. She was having a hard time keeping eye contact. Dan had never witnessed such a thing before. He thought Kadey would look a bear in the face as it prepared to eat her alive. Apparently even the bravest of them was just a big chicken deep down.
“You’re a hard woman to find, Kadey.” She strolled the rest of the way as though it were a casual meeting but her voice did not echo that sentiment, nor did her eyes. “I called to let you know when I’d be home. Couldn’t get you. I called when I got home. Couldn’t get you. Finally, I had to go to the condo.” She laughed scathingly. “My oh my did I not like what I found there. So I called frantically for the next few days. Nothing. I called everyone I could think of that you might know. Nothing. I went and turned you in as a missing person out of shear desperation.” She paused a moment for effect. “That might have worked if your divorce papers hadn’t showed up. Could anyone tell me where you were, no but you must be okay if you’re out filing papers.” She shook her head disgusted. “I finally had to use my key and sneak into the condo, which was mostly likely against the law because you don’t technically live there anymore, and go through all of the mail and anything I could find that might give me a clue. It came down to this envelope, which I stole,” she pulled out an empty envelope, “that is from a law firm out in the middle of who knows where. Since I knew you’d filed for divorce I took a chance and without knowing where I was going exactly or if you’d even be there when I got there, I took a little trip.
“I just spent the morning doing my best to intimidate a man I found on the street when I didn’t even know if he even knew you for sure. Once I realized he did, it was over. Poor man didn’t have a chance at that point. Wide eyed and half frightened for his life he just pointed and said she’s at her dad’s ranch and promptly gave me directions. Now can you give me any reason, any reason at all, why I shouldn’t come over that fence and…” she faltered. She took several deep breaths to steady herself. She could not recall a moment in her life she’d been this angry, frightened and relieved all at once. Calm down. Just switch focus for a moment. She looked over at the man. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so impolite. I’m Charlise”
He put his hands up. “Dan, and its all fine by me.”
She could hear the amusement in his voice. She cocked her head sideways at him and took a good look. She decided he wasn’t amused at her. In fact she got a feeling he was rather supportive of her. She’d have to ask him later what he was thinking.
He was attractive.
Whoa, none of that. Focus. Yet she found herself rather intrigued by him. She took notice of his eyes. She knew those eyes. He must be Kadey’s father. It wasn’t a hard match up. They shared a lot of physical features as well as others. They even stood the same, probably had the same gait. She turned her attention back to Kadey. “Anything?”
Dan had watched his daughter shrink lower and lower. Her eyes were completely downcast by the end of her rather deserved lecture. Kadey claimed to like people to fight for her. She must love this. He sighed. He should leave them to it. He wanted to know more about this woman but he’d have to wait for later. He wondered who she had talked to. He was likely to get a good story next time he went into town. He politely bowed out and left them to it.

Descriptive Writing - not my strong point...

One of the things I’ve never been the greatest on is descriptive writing, probably because I don’t like to read it much either. Most of the time if a book gets too descriptive I jump ahead and get to action or dialog. A while back, don’t remember just why, I decided to practice writing a descriptive paragraph. I think I did alright. The funny thing is that it sparked a story - though not a long one. It only came to 56 pages but not a bad little short story for me anyway. Here is the paragraph…


Her face stung from the multitude of branches that slapped at her. Each one reached out to stop her, latching on to her hair, digging into her skin, ripping and grabbing at her, anything to thwart her escape. She felt one grab her upper lip, a slight tug, and then a tear. Blood slipped over her lip into her mouth. It was a familiar taste of late. She dare not turn around. Was the beating sound of crashing branches from her own flight or was he there behind her? Was his hand outstretched, just inches from her, ready to take her down? She could hear the exhale of his breath, feel it on her neck. She heard a laugh, deep and menacing. He was there. He was there and she had failed. Her one chance had come to nothing. She was alone with a monster and even the very trees had betrayed her. Her sweater caught hard on a branch, the force propelling her sideways. She slammed into the trunk of the tree responsible for her defeat. She scurried to rise up and continue on but the branch quickly encircled her and held her fast. The more she struggled the tighter was its hold. She heard the footfall next to her, the leaves crushing under the weight. The deep laughter which had become commonplace to her, sounded in her ears. She could not see through the darkness but could feel his presence. Instinctively she knew he was leaning towards her. She jerked but the branch would not give way. She felt his breath on her ear. Her eyes were pinched shut as tightly as she could manage but she could still see the smile on his face. “You’re mine. You will always be mine and nothing can take you from me.”

Doesn't Everyone Do It?

Every once in a while I have these conversations in my head. Sometimes they’re with people in my life that are presently not around and sometimes they’re completely one sided, as if I’m trying to work out an idea. More often than not, the latter comes with a need to get it down on paper. When I was in high school or even college that wouldn’t have been a problem. I simply would have written them during class as I was ignoring the professor. Since I’ve graduated I find myself simply finishing the conversation in my head and letting it die. Truth is, I’ll still probably do that more often than not, but I decided to try out blogging and see if it would be an outlet for this part of my personality. As for content, those who know me will fully expect the silly and bizarre posts. (I handed them out daily in high school). Those still do exist but most of those one sided conversation that I have are actually quite religious in nature so don’t be surprised to see that either. I’m not so sure about the day to day living stuff. I doubt I’ll post often, unlike my dear friend Ammie - who most definitely has the gift of blogging - I’m not really sure I’ll like it. You don’t know until you try. So here it goes…